A strong relationship is built on love and trust amongst many other things – a breach in this can cause a wreck in the relationship but most times this can be detected.
A relationship is like a house, it has a foundation, boundaries, and even a roof. The house can last for centuries if properly taken care of but if not, it can come down crashing one day.
But before it does, there are most certainly visible cracks, but the invisible ones will be the ones in the foundation. That is just how a relationship is; before a relationship comes crashing down, you must have noticed the visible signs like lack of communication, physical withdrawal.
But the ones you won’t notice are the ones located in the foundation of your relationship. They are the SILENT KILLERS! Silent relationship killers can come from anywhere; the past, present, or future.
Truth be told, you never actually see them coming – something that you think was normal ends up being the cause of your sadness. I have categorized them into two groups just to give a clear picture of how they operate:
A. Non-physical relationship killers and
B. Physical relationship killers.
Non-Physical Relationship Killers
Some of these relationship killers work or take effect in our head – it has little or no relationship with the physical, but this doesn’t deny it the power to render all the love you have spent time building to disappear into thin air. Trust and how we feel towards our partner have a great role to play here.
Most of the killers here reside in our thought structure and the past we may think is already behind us. Five of such relationship killers are:
1. Fading Desire
Most times, this feeling is simply infatuation that we mistake for love and before we know it gets too late to turn back, but the truth is infatuation never lasts.
One day, either you or he would wake up out of the blue and realize how much of a mistake it was to accept being together forever. What you thought was your one true love story takes a turn for the worst because you realize that it was not even meant to start in the first place.
This is Silent killer number one because we don’t even know when it starts and how it eventually ends. Those scorching desires for each other just burn out.
This is one of the worst relationship killers and it has everything to do with both the past and present. Sometimes, we think we have moved on but the past tells us differently – it comes to haunt us in ways we cannot phantom.
I will give you an instance, a friend of mine called off his wedding two days to the long-awaited Saturday. It happened that we went out for a little party (bachelor’s night) and we stumbled on the girl he was with before his fiancé.
The history books have it that their relationship never ended – she got a job in Germany and had to be away for four years, they never broke up, she only left for work and asked him to wait for her.
They kept communicating but after a year it all fell off. He changed his phone line and she couldn’t reach him anymore. Long story short, she has been in town for four months now and she has been looking for him – long story short, they are back together.
The love he felt for her was a piece of baggage he never would have thought would follow him but it did. Another baggage you can carry in the present is bitterness.
Truth is, our partner will hurt us most times unknowingly but how we manage this is key to how well our relationship prospers.
If we keep storing all the anger inside of us, one of these days we may lose it and that may be the end of us. She made your favorite food and there was too much salt in it, so you stopped eating her food – now, you are crying because she left.
Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” — Henry Winkler
One of the deadliest relationship killers is the fact that a lot of times we act like a know-it-all – chess master predicting eight moves in the game but this is not a game in the first place and you do not even know anything, not to talk of knowing it all.
“I used to assume my wife enjoys the way our foreplays went, I was always rough with it (choking and smacking)”, says Pete.
“This was the reason I almost lost my wife. I went for a seminar one day and the speaker kept stressing on communication in the relationship.
She was there too and we had a long conversation about a lot of things, it made me understand that I was wrong in most of my assumptions and it was frustrating the love she had for me”.
It may not be in bed but it is wrong to assume anything when you can simply get clarity by asking your spouse. So next time instead of assuming something (even their like or dislike) about your spouse, why don’t you ask him or her.
4. More ‘Him’ Or ‘Her’ Than ‘Us’
Relationships aren’t designed for selfish individuals.- Unknown
No man has control of thinking, it is impossible to shut down our thoughts but what we can do is decide what we think about. In a relationship, we need to channel more of our actions and thoughts towards the good of our union than we do to ourselves.
If I was going to be plain, I would say think of what you can do to better “us” more than you think of how to better “yourself”. I say this because whether we accept it or not; whether we like it or not our thoughts in one way or another will shape the actions we carry out daily.
A man who has been thinking of making love all day will visit his bathroom with some lubricant if he doesn’t have a partner (wife or girlfriend).
It isn’t rocket science, if you think about yourself more than you think about your partner and relationship, you would begin to look selfish in their eyes and this may be the reason your relationship ends.
Of all the relationship killers, this to me is the biggest and most devastating. When we expect something, it isn’t just a mind thing – we are putting in every sphere of our being (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) and when it turns out to be a bad idea, it has a huge effect on us.
I once dated a guy I met on tinder for six months and the relationship ended at our first meeting. We had been planning for him to spend a weekend with me and our dreams finally came to reality.
He was an adult film actress but I didn’t care that much, he promised to stop once his contract was off and he barely had a year on it.
I gave him a false perception of me, I presented myself as a bed god when I knew I wasn’t. I told him a million things I was going to do to him and believe me I tried but I wasn’t built to dance on my bed for hours and three rounds didn’t mean anything at all to him.
When your expectation is too high for the abilities of your spouse, it becomes an issue in the journey to happy ever after.
Physical Relationship Killers
The other group has to do with relationship killers that share a link with the physical. Communication patterns and how we want to be loved is a delicate feature in this category of relationship killers. 5 of such things are;
6. When It Becomes Boring
Some of us have our life planned out so much that we have successfully kicked out all the fun. Monday is ‘work till late’ and it runs till Friday, then dinner at a restaurant. Saturday is for home maintenance and Sunday is for church service. Nothing is added and nothing is subtracted.
To be honest, this gets boring for your partner especially if they are the kind that loves the spice. So, having a fixed routine is one of the deadliest relationship killers out there.
Also, if your relationship lacks the element of surprise then your relationship is most likely heading to the gutters. So, break out of that well laid routine cage and spice up your relationship.
7. Love Language
Whether it is words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, or a combination of two or more. It is important to understand what each of the love languages entails because you never know how your lover would want to be loved.
The easiest way to build love and a bond in your relationship is by understanding your partner’s love language and acting accordingly.
It’s like that old mechanic who was called to the ship that refused to start; he got there and ask them to attempt starting it twice – both were failed attempted.
He proceeded to the engine room with a hammer and hit one of the compartments and the vessel’s engine worked fine afterward. He charged $1000 for the job and when asked for a breakdown of his charges, he said ‘$1 for hitting the spot and $999 for knowing where to hit’.
Knowing what to do is more important than doing a lot and if you do not know your partner’s love language then I think it is safer to leave now or find out because sooner rather than later it will be the downfall of all that you are building.
Lack of knowledge (your partner’s love language) might just be that silent relationship killer you’ve been trying to decipher but know not how to. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages might be a good start for a fix.
8. Lack Of Fulfillment And Satisfaction In The Bedroom
The bedroom holds the greatest powers in our love life, whether we want to believe it or not. Communication helps us understand what our partner needs and then when we do, it is up to us to try our possible best to meet them where we can.
The truth is, if there is no spice in the bedroom and it becomes boring like all other parts of the house then there is serious trouble because this is the base on which your foundation of love and trust is built on.
Looking for the relationship killers, say hello to the new boss on the block.
9. Communication Pattern
When it comes to communication patterns, there are a lot of them that will do more harm than good to the union you share with your spouse. Two that stand out are passive communication and aggressive communication.
In Passive communication, you try to hide your true emotions and feelings in a bid to avoid having a quarrel or a fight with your partner.
In Aggressive communication, you try to bully your way into the winner’s circle in every conversation and while bullying can get you what you want in a short term, it doesn’t work well for the health of your relationship.
Also, communicating in bits and pieces (doing the sweet mean cycle)can cause a huge rift in your relationship.
You can’t be all over her today wanting to know all about her day and act like she doesn’t exist tomorrow – it won’t just sit right with her when she settles down to think.
You must always remember that it takes trust, love, and proper communication to hold a relationship together. If one is lacking then I am sorry to say but your union suffers.
10. Being Taken For Granted
No one likes this and no one will sit with it. You may think you are winning right now because they are putting up with all you do, hoping that you will eventually change and become the partner they have dreamt of you to be.
But if it takes longer than they plan for your eyes to open enough to see what is in front of you, they might leave.
Taking your partner for granted is an all-time relationship killer that is not a respecter of time; it doesn’t care whether you’ve been together for 15 years or you’re just 6 months into your relationship. Once it finds its way into your relationship, it’s definitely killing it without a warning.
So, do a self-check right now. Are you taking your partner for granted or are you being taken for granted? If yes is the answer to any of those questions, then there you have it – a silent relationship killer that might be on the course of ending your relationship.
Love is sweet and I know you want your relationship to stand the test of time but you have to realize that there are some relationship killers out there trying to make sure your dreams don’t come through.
These are some of them, with this knowledge all you need is an introspect to see if any of them have already crept in or are about to creep in. Knowing your problem is the biggest step in the journey towards solving it.
Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner’s flaws.” ~Baylor Barbee.
So, I’ve talked about 10 silent relationship killers that slowly creep into your relationship. I hope that this resource helps you catch these sly intruders before they fully intrude in your relationship and destroy it.
Tell me in the comment section, your experience with these sly intruders if you’ve had any, I would really like to hear from you. Wishing you all Love and Light from me to you all, enjoy!
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